PRETORIA – U.S. President Donald Trump has announced the closure of the United States Embassy in Pretoria. In its place, the diplomatic mission will be relocated to Orania, the controversial Afrikaner enclave in the Northern Cape.

"Frankly, Pretoria is a disaster," Trump declared in a fiery Truth Social post. "It’s a mess, folks. Crime through the roof, rolling blackouts, and, quite frankly, I don’t think they’ve cleaned the place since Nelson Mandela. We’re moving to Orania—great people, tremendous people, some of the best farmers. They love Trump, and Trump loves them!"

ANC spokesperson Mahlengi Bhengu called it “an affront to our black, uhm, I mean, rainbow nation” and accused Trump of “meddling in our sovereign right to meddle in everyone else’s lives.” Bhengu went on to insist that policies like BEE, which prioritize black South Africans in jobs and business ownership, are “not discriminatory—they’re just, uh, historically corrective. Totally different.” Meanwhile, insiders claim that American diplomats in Pretoria had already stopped showing up to work due to persistent power cuts and a growing fear of having their hubcaps stolen.

Orania, a self-sufficient town exclusively for Afrikaners, responded to the news with cautious optimism. "We welcome President Trump’s embassy with open arms," said town spokesperson Gert van der Merwe. "We will ensure that American diplomats enjoy a safe, load-shedding-free experience. They won’t even have to lock their doors at night!"

Critics, however, argue that moving the U.S. Embassy to Orania would further inflame racial tensions in South Africa. Julius Malema, leader of the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF), vowed to march "one million fighters" to the new embassy and "liberate" it. However, upon hearing that Orania lacks both KFC and Gucci stores, the EFF promptly downgraded their protest to an angry tweet.

As Pretoria scrambles to respond, rumors are swirling that the ANC might retaliate by moving its own embassy in Washington, D.C., to a more “ideologically aligned” location—like California.

Meanwhile, President Cyril Ramaphosa, reached for comment in between naps at a cabinet meeting, appeared unbothered. "We will study this development carefully and form a committee to discuss the possibility of maybe considering a response at some point in the next 10 to 15 years."

In the meantime, sources inside Orania report that town officials are scrambling to install a golf course, a McDonald’s, and a golden statue of Trump riding a springbok to ensure a warm welcome for their new American guests.

"Make Orania Great Again!" Trump concluded in a follow-up post. "Believe me, it’s gonna be YUGE."