JOHANNESBURG – In a shocking turn of events, the African National Congress (ANC) has scrapped its controversial Expropriation Bill after U.S. President Donald Trump issued a dire warning: “Take land, and I take KFC.”

The announcement sent shockwaves through the ruling party, with senior members reportedly breaking into a cold sweat at the mere thought of life without a KFC Streetwise Two. “We knew the bill had some opposition, but we never expected such a ruthless diplomatic counterstrike,” admitted ANC spokesperson Mahlengi Bhengu, wiping away what appeared to be tears—and possibly remnants of Zinger sauce.

The Expropriation Bill, which aimed to allow the government to seize land without compensation, had been a cornerstone of the ANC’s economic policy. However, political analysts say Trump’s unexpected intervention struck at the heart of South Africa’s deepest cultural bond: fried chicken.

“Look, land reform is important, but let’s be honest—South Africans take their KFC very seriously,” said political analyst Mpumelelo Ndlovu. “You can mess with electricity, you can mess with water, but threaten their drumsticks? That’s a bridge too far.”

Local outrage over Trump’s ultimatum was swift and passionate. In Soweto, protestors abandoned their placards and ran straight to the nearest KFC to stockpile buckets, fearing an imminent crisis. “It’s every man for himself,” said one concerned citizen, aggressively licking his fingers. “I have three generations to feed, and we can't survive on Nando’s alone!”

The ANC’s emergency meeting, described as ‘tense and greasy,’ reportedly lasted 12 hours, with heated debates over whether KFC could be replaced with local alternatives. A desperate proposal to rebrand Pap & Wors as “Struggle Sausage” was ultimately shot down. “We can't risk it,” said one anonymous minister. “We need to prioritize national security, and by that, I mean extra crispy.”

ANC Secretary-General Fikile Mbalula, a man who treats X like his personal diary and designer brands like essential utilities, was reportedly inconsolable. “This is an attack on our sovereignty! What will they take next—our Gucci loafers?” he wailed, dramatically clutching his chest. Carl Niehaus reportedly attempted to console him with a soggy garage pie, but sources say he rejected it, screaming, “I refuse to eat like a peasant!” before storming off in search of better snack options.

Meanwhile, Minister of Cooperative Governance Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma was quick to blame the crisis on illegal cigarette sales, claiming that “underground chicken syndicates” might soon emerge, smuggling Zinger wings into townships at inflated prices. “It’s simple economics,” she explained, “when demand is high, illicit trade flourishes. We must regulate chicken consumption before it’s too late.”

Shortly after the bill’s withdrawal, Trump took to Truth Social to celebrate. “BIG WIN FOR SOUTH AFRICA! KFC STAYS! Land stays! Everybody wins! And folks, I make the BEST deals. Even the chickens love me!”

The Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) were predictably livid, with Julius Malema throwing a tantrum that could be heard from Polokwane to Pretoria. “We will not kneel to American chicken overlords!” he bellowed, stomping his red beret into the ground while waving a half-eaten drumstick like a revolutionary grenade. “This is capitalist oppression! Today, it’s KFC. Tomorrow, it’s our land. Next, they’ll ban pap and make us eat kale like colonizers!” Sources say Malema’s fiery speech was cut short when he slipped on a puddle of KFC gravy, landing face-first in a vat of expired Nando’s peri-peri sauce, screaming, “This burns worse than imperialism!” as he flailed like a marinated chicken wing.

Meanwhile, KFC South Africa has promised to keep the deep fryers running, releasing a statement that simply read: “Crisis averted. Please proceed to the drive-thru.”