Geneva — In a move that’s “absolutely not connected to recent political events,” World Economic Forum (WEF) Chairman Klaus Schwab has announced a new “Global Health Emergency Drill,” set to launch in the wake of Donald Trump’s landslide victory in the 2024 U.S. presidential election. The WEF assured the public that the timing is purely coincidental and has no relation to any particular orange-hued world leader’s political comeback.

Schwab, known for his signature monotone delivery and unblinking gaze, addressed the press from a darkened, minimalist podium. “This new drill is simply about preparedness. It’s about resilience. It’s about taking very specific, very comprehensive measures—none of which should raise alarm.” With a slight pause, he added, “And absolutely nothing to do with recent democratic processes.”

The WEF’s proposed drill, codenamed Operation Resilient People (ORP), comes equipped with strict guidelines to “assist global populations” in getting used to the new normal—again. These guidelines include mandatory “flexible lockdowns,” rolling curfews that occur “at random,” and a series of unannounced air-raid-siren sound tests to ensure the public remains in a perpetual state of mild alarm.

In a supportive video statement from an undisclosed, tastefully lit location, Kamala Harris expressed her full endorsement of the WEF’s new health emergency drill.

“When we think about health, and the concept of health, what we're really talking about is the opportunity for everyone to be healthy—together. And this drill, which is, let’s be clear, a drill about health and emergencies, is a chance for everyone to experience togetherness in that drill. Because when we drill together, we’re healthier, and health is...healthy. So let us be clear: this is about everyone doing the work, even if the work isn’t actual work, but practice for work. And in that practice, we all get to truly practice practicing.”

The plan has naturally drawn some criticism. When asked why these drills always seem to coincide with large political events, Schwab shrugged and replied, “It’s simple math. Statistically, there’s always something going on somewhere in the world.” He explained that the drill was devised over the past several years, likely during Trump’s previous administration, purely as a thought experiment. “It’s merely about ensuring that populations around the world can be trusted to stay indoors for weeks on end…you know, just in case,” Schwab said, giving no further clarification on what “just in case” might entail.

The WEF’s new health emergency drill boasts some unique features. According to the briefing notes, citizens in participating countries will be randomly informed of surprise “stay-at-home days,” intended to simulate the psychological conditions of a “fully hypothetical” lockdown. In addition, QR codes will be distributed to households to scan as a “loyalty check” of sorts, rewarding those who show “appropriate compliance” with digital certificates they can proudly post on social media.

Other elements of the drill will include flash mobs of health officials dressed in hazmat suits, who will descend on local malls to “keep the public alert and vigilant.” These well-trained officials will appear at random and loudly announce the importance of the public’s undivided obedience—er, attention—to potential health emergencies, reminding everyone to “remain calm, but be ready for anything.”

“Of course, if people find it unsettling, they can always stay at home,” Schwab noted dryly, with what may have been the faintest hint of a smirk.

While the public’s reaction has been mixed, government officials have rallied around the WEF’s drill with varying levels of enthusiasm. European leaders and other WEF allies have praised Schwab’s “dedication to hypothetical future events,” citing his “foresight” and “commitment to community control—I mean, cohesion.”

A leaked memo from one enthusiastic European health minister called the drill “a golden opportunity to remind people of their deep commitment to the collective good.” The memo adds, “After all, what’s the harm in a few ‘precautionary’ measures?”

The U.S., however, has responded with a more cautious tone. Speaking from his golf resort in Mar-a-Lago, President Trump assured the public that the drill would not affect his freedom-loving supporters. “Klaus can drill all he wants, but here in the U.S., we don’t lock down! Not on my watch,” he declared while posing for pictures with fans. “As far as I’m concerned, this drill is just a big European snooze-fest!”

When a reporter pressed Schwab on whether the drill was designed to critique the new U.S. administration, he maintained an unruffled demeanor. “Absolutely not,” he said, adjusting his collar. “We wish the United States all the best. Our drill is, as always, about keeping the world ready for unpredictable challenges, which, of course, we predict very specifically.”

As Schwab left the podium, he gave the crowd a reassuring wave and reminded them that the drill is “all in good fun” and that there is “nothing to be concerned about—at least, not yet.”

“Remember,” he said with a smile, “we’re all in this together.” Whether “this” is the drill, an election cycle, or the rest of the 21st century remains delightfully ambiguous.