Johannesburg, South Africa - September 9, 2024. In a bold move to remind the country that they are still, indeed, relevant, the South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC) has announced that they will now require TV licenses for smartwatches. Yes, you read that correctly. Your fitness tracker will now need to be in good standing with the national broadcaster if you dare glance at the time while watching Netflix on your phone.

“We believe this is the logical next step in keeping up with modern technology,” said SABC spokesperson, Thando Mlotshwa, during a press conference where the lights flickered intermittently—courtesy of Eskom, no doubt. “If you can watch reruns of Generations on a 55-inch flat screen, why not on a 1.78-inch smartwatch screen? The principle is the same. It’s not about where you watch, it’s about supporting the SABC, even if you never actually use it.”

The new policy follows in the fine tradition of previous attempts to extend the license requirement to smartphones, tablets, and, if the rumors are true, even toasters with Wi-Fi capability. While most South Africans have become experts at dodging TV license fees—many claiming they haven't watched SABC since Top Billing was relevant—the broadcaster remains undeterred in its mission to collect revenue from anything with a screen, a camera, or, at this point, a battery.

“We’re not just targeting smartwatches,” continued Mlotshwa, casually ignoring the power outage that had now engulfed the building. “We’ll be exploring licenses for a wide range of modern technologies, including virtual reality headsets, car infotainment systems, and, of course, baby monitors. Who knows what kind of riveting SABC content infants could be consuming these days!”

Critics of the policy have pointed out that this is little more than a desperate cash grab by an organization already riddled with financial mismanagement and widespread corruption. “Next thing you know, they’ll be charging us for looking at digital billboards in traffic,” scoffed Cape Town resident Bongani Sithole. “Or how about when I’m just staring into space thinking about what I’d rather be doing instead of watching SABC?”

Many South Africans, already well-versed in avoiding paying TV licenses, have taken to social media to mock the move. One Twitter user posted a photo of their smartwatch with the caption: “Just received a bill from SABC for checking my steps. Should I pay in installments or just run to the border?”

Despite the public outcry, the SABC remains adamant that this move is necessary to “protect the integrity of public broadcasting.” The official statement claims that smartwatches are just as capable of streaming SABC content as any other device. Whether or not anyone is actually willing to go through the effort of watching 7de Laan on a 44mm display is, apparently, beside the point.

“Imagine the freedom of catching the evening news on your wrist while jogging!” Mlotshwa declared optimistically. “Who wouldn’t want to be informed of government scandals, pothole repairs, and weather updates, all while pretending to care about their daily steps?”

To make matters even more confusing, the SABC has indicated that they will also be rolling out "concession rates" for those who own more than one smartwatch. Households with multiple wearables will be eligible for a special family license, which allows you to evade the fee only 40% of the time, down from the standard 80%.

In a move that has baffled tech experts, the SABC also hinted at launching their own smartwatch app. This revolutionary app will offer you an unparalleled experience of buffering, outdated news, and the occasional poorly dubbed telenovela – all in glorious 144p resolution. As one tech blogger wrote: “It’s truly the future of broadcasting, if the future was set in 2004.”

As South Africans collectively roll their eyes—and perhaps their sleeves to hide their smartwatches—the SABC marches forward with their plans, determined to squeeze every last cent from the nation, one wrist at a time.

In the meantime, smartwatches across the country are mysteriously going missing. “It’s the strangest thing,” commented Durban resident Sipho Nkosi, “I swear I had my Apple Watch this morning, but it seems to have vanished into thin air. Must be the same place my TV license reminders go.”

For now, the SABC remains resolute: "If it has a screen, it needs a license." And South Africans? Well, they're just waiting for the day they’ll have to start paying SABC fees for their microwave’s LED display.