PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA – In a rare moment of unity that has left South Africans both baffled and broke, the African National Congress (ANC), Democratic Alliance (DA), and Action SA have finally settled their differences over the recent VAT hike, agreeing that the real culprit behind the 0.5% increase is none other than the taxpayer themselves. The announcement came late Sunday night, just as citizens were Googling “how to survive on pap and regret” ahead of the April 6, 2025, budget fallout.

The political infighting over the VAT increase had reached fever pitch in recent weeks, with the DA accusing Action SA of “selling out” to the ANC, Action SA claiming they were “saving the poor” by supporting the budget (with a 30-day escape clause they insist is totally binding), and the ANC shrugging and saying, “Look, someone’s got to pay for the VIP security detail.” But in a shocking twist, the three parties emerged from a closed-door meeting with a joint statement: “After careful deliberation, we’ve decided it’s not our fault. It’s yours.”

“You see, if South Africans didn’t insist on buying things like food, electricity, and petrol, we wouldn’t need to raise VAT in the first place,” explained ANC spokesperson Mahlengi Bhengu-Motsiri, adjusting her designer sunglasses. “The taxpayer’s reckless spending habits have forced our hand. We’re just the messengers here.”

DA leader John Steenhuisen, still red-faced from storming out of Parliament last week, nodded in agreement. “We fought tooth and nail against this VAT hike—filed court papers and everything—but at the end of the day, if you lot didn’t keep demanding roads and hospitals, we could’ve balanced the budget with vibes and good intentions. This is on you.”

Action SA’s Herman Mashaba, sporting his signature stern glare, chimed in with a moral twist. “We only backed the ANC to stop the VAT hike, which we didn’t stop, but we totally will in 30 days—trust us. The real betrayal is taxpayers expecting us to fix this mess without them footing the bill. Where’s your sense of patriotism?”

Economists, meanwhile, are scratching their heads at the logic. “It’s a bold strategy to unite three parties by throwing the public under the bus,” said Dr. Thabo Moola of Wits University. “Usually, they’d at least pretend to care about us before raising taxes. This level of honesty is almost refreshing—if it weren’t so expensive.”

The VAT increase, set to kick in as part of the 2025/26 fiscal framework, will see the rate rise from 15% to 15.5%, with promises of another 0.5% bump next year because, as one ANC official put it, “We’re just getting warmed up.” Action SA insists their deal with the ANC to “revisit” the hike within 30 days is a win for the little guy, though critics point out the National Treasury isn’t legally required to listen to a word they say.

As South Africans brace for higher prices on everything from bread to airtime, the three parties have scheduled a follow-up press conference titled “How to Blame Taxpayers for Literally Everything Else.” Sources say the agenda includes topics like load shedding and potholes.

In the meantime, citizens are advised to stock up on canned goods, hide their wallets, and maybe—just maybe—stop buying stuff altogether. After all, as the ANC, DA, and Action SA have made clear, the only way to avoid more tax hikes is to stop giving them a reason to need the money. Good luck with that, South Africa.