In a moment of unprecedented political clarity, Agriculture Minister John Steenhuisen publicly apologized on Thursday for showing a rare display of backbone when he initially defended his controversial appointment of Roman Cabanac as his chief of staff.

Speaking at the Cape Town Press Club, Steenhuisen said, "It was a moment of weakness. I temporarily lost sight of my true duty as a politician, which is to fold under pressure at the first sign of public discontent. I can assure the people of South Africa, this won’t happen again."

The apology comes after a flurry of outrage, largely fueled by social media activists, who expressed disdain over Cabanac’s R1.43 million per annum appointment. Public discontent spiraled out of control after many dug up his old tweets, exposing strong opinions on everything from colonialism to COVID-19. Despite Steenhuisen’s initial defense—citing Cabanac’s qualifications, including an LLB and experience in the field—it quickly became clear that defending controversial appointments was, quite simply, unacceptable in the modern political landscape.

Steenhuisen’s initial decision to stand by Cabanac’s appointment shocked many, as it briefly seemed that a South African politician might actually weather the storm of public opinion rather than immediately capitulate to it. But, as we now know, this rare act of defiance was fleeting.

“I've spent the last 24 hours reflecting on my actions," Steenhuisen continued, visibly shaken by the ordeal of having briefly shown resolve. "In hindsight, it was clearly a mistake to even suggest that someone with actual qualifications should be appointed, especially when they have opinions that don’t align with the social media mob."

He concluded his speech with a solemn promise to the nation: "I apologize unreservedly for any confusion caused by my momentary lapse in judgment. I realize now that it’s not my role to make informed, rational decisions, but rather to bow to the will of whoever shouts the loudest on Twitter. I will ensure that this error is not repeated.”

To ensure such an embarrassment never occurs again, the Democratic Alliance (DA) has vowed to launch a new "Trial by Social Media" policy for vetting political appointments. Going forward, any decision regarding staffing in government will be made not by panels of experts or based on qualifications, but by the almighty force of public outrage on social media platforms.

“The people have spoken, and we’ve listened—well, we’ve scrolled,” said a spokesperson for the DA. “This new policy will allow us to crowdsource outrage in real-time, ensuring that we only appoint individuals who have spotless Twitter records, non-controversial opinions, and an overwhelming ability to blend in with the mob.”

The policy will involve livestreamed Twitter polls, where any appointment will be decided based on public perception, ensuring that those who are most beloved by social media—not those who are most qualified—will serve in government.

The DA believes this approach will bring much-needed transparency to the political process, as every appointment will now be subject to real-time, impulsive, and often uninformed public scrutiny. After all, nothing says ‘progressive governance’ like handing the reins of government over to the hashtag brigade.

Meanwhile, Roman Cabanac remains defiant despite the call for his resignation. In his open letter earlier this week, he asked South Africans to judge him on his future performance rather than past social media controversies.

“I know I said some things that were divisive. I admit to playing the game of online clickbait. But all I ask is for a chance to actually do the job I was hired to do, which is to serve the people,” said Cabanac. “Though I will never have a Twitter feed as pure as Mother Teresa’s, I think I can still contribute to the country’s growth, food security, and economic stability.”

Unfortunately for Cabanac, it seems his public plea for reason and second chances was drowned out by the sounds of retweets, memes, and hashtags. After all, nothing says ‘justice’ like a trending hashtag.

As the DA prepares to implement its new social media-driven vetting policy, South Africans can rest easy knowing that their leaders will soon have no room for independent thought or backbone. Decisions will no longer be made based on qualifications, experience, or merit—but rather on the number of angry emojis that can be amassed in a 24-hour period.

“Courage and conviction are overrated,” Steenhuisen added with a faint smile. “From now on, we’re letting the internet do our thinking for us.”