In a world where a glass of wine or a cold beer is the go-to remedy for life’s endless list of stresses, one brave Cape Town man has boldly declared that he prefers his suffering straight up, no chaser. Meet Leonard 'Lenny' van der Merwe, a self-proclaimed connoisseur of life's unfiltered pain, who has shunned alcohol in favor of experiencing the full, undiluted agony of existence.

While most people might reach for a stiff drink after a long day of work, or when confronted with the crushing realization that they’ve peaked in life, Lenny does the opposite. “Why drown your sorrows when you can invite them in, sit them down, and really get to know them?” he muses, sipping a glass of room-temperature water, the ultimate symbol of his raw approach to life.

Lenny’s journey into sober suffering began a few years ago when he realized that his occasional drink was standing between him and the pure, unadulterated misery he felt he truly deserved. “I’d have a beer after work, and suddenly, everything seemed… okay. It was unnatural. I knew I had to stop,” Lenny recalls with a shudder.

Now, Lenny takes pride in feeling every pang of discomfort that life throws his way. From the minor irritations like stepping in a puddle while wearing socks to the major crises like the existential dread that comes with scrolling through social media, Lenny faces them all with a clear mind and a tortured soul.

“My friends don’t understand it,” he says, recounting how they often offer him a drink at social gatherings. “They’ll say, ‘Come on, Lenny, have a drink, lighten up!’ But why would I want to dull the razor-sharp edge of my despair? That’s the good stuff!”

Indeed, Lenny’s refusal to drink has become something of a legend among his peers. He’s the guy who not only refuses the complimentary champagne at weddings but also insists on giving toasts about the inevitable collapse of all human relationships. “Love is just prolonged suffering with brief interludes of happiness,” he’ll tell the newlyweds, before raising his glass of tap water to their doomed union.

Lenny’s commitment to embracing life’s agony in its purest form doesn’t stop at alcohol. He’s also sworn off other modern conveniences that might make life too bearable. “Comfort is the enemy of authenticity,” he declares, as he deliberately chooses the hardest chair in the room and listens to the neighbor’s dog barking with a look of deep satisfaction.

He’s also given up on small talk, preferring to dive straight into the big questions whenever possible. “How’s your day?” is met with a dismissive wave, while “What’s the point of it all?” earns an enthusiastic nod and an hour-long discussion about the futility of human existence.

Surprisingly, Lenny’s philosophy has begun to attract a small but dedicated following. “I used to be like everyone else, trying to avoid pain at all costs,” says one of Lenny’s disciples, who only gave his name as “Suffering Steve.” “But then I met Lenny, and I realized, why run from the inevitable? Now, I’m all about embracing the torment.”

Together, they’ve formed a small group called “Agony Anonymous,” where members share their stories of pain and misery, all while steadfastly refusing the offer of a soothing cup of tea. “We’re about facing reality head-on,” Steve explains. “With a frown, and maybe a sigh or two.”

As Lenny continues his crusade against comfort, he remains steadfast in his belief that suffering is the spice of life. “I used to think happiness was the goal,” he says, reflecting on his journey. “But now I know the truth: misery is the true mark of a life well-lived.”

So, the next time you’re at a party and someone offers you a drink, think of Lenny van der Merwe, the Cape Town man who chose to face life’s agonies without a drop of liquid courage. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll consider joining him in toasting to life’s endless sorrows—with nothing but a glass of unremarkable, room-temperature water.