In an unprecedented move that is sure to shake the very foundation of education as we know it, the Department of Basic Education (DBE) has proudly announced its bold new initiative: lowering the national school pass mark to a staggering 20%. Yes, you read that correctly. Not 80%. Not 50%. A solid, honest-to-goodness, hard-fought 20%. In the spirit of “inclusivity” and “growth,” the DBE is paving the way for a generation of future leaders who have mastered the subtle art of showing up—because, as we all know, participation is really all that matters.

Minister of Basic Education, Siviwe Gwarube, was all smiles at the press conference, where she eloquently explained the reasoning behind this groundbreaking policy. “We need to acknowledge that not all learners are the same. Some excel at calculus, while others have mastered the more important skill of staring out the window for hours on end. Why should we penalize these creative thinkers? Lowering the pass mark to 20% will level the playing field, allowing every child to be a winner—because, in South Africa, everyone deserves a trophy.”

The Basic Education Laws Amendment (BELA) Bill, which was recently adopted by the Portfolio Committee, is being hailed as a visionary document that, among other things, seeks to address the stubborn challenges of teaching students things they don’t really care about. “The truth is, algebra is overrated,” Gwarube continued. “Most people don’t use it after high school anyway. Who are we to say what knowledge is valuable? A 20% pass rate ensures that students can still achieve greatness, even if they only get the date right on their exam papers.”

Critics, predictably, are up in arms over the decision. AfriForum has already dubbed the changes “the educational equivalent of an April Fool’s joke that went too far,” arguing that lowering the bar doesn’t actually promote growth, but rather ensures that future generations will only be able to grow in one area: ignorance.

Not to be deterred by such naysayers, Gwarube swiftly rebutted, “AfriForum’s fixation on ‘quality education’ is exactly why they are not part of the solution. The world is changing. Do we really need young people to know how to solve quadratic equations or identify the capital cities of obscure countries? What’s more important is their ability to navigate TikTok, comment on Instagram posts, and write passionate essays about climate change on Facebook.”

The DBE believes that this bold reduction in standards will lead to a happier, more self-confident youth who are free from the shackles of academic excellence. In fact, the move has already garnered praise from certain quarters. The National Union of Students Who Just Want to Vibe (NUSWJV) issued a statement applauding the change, saying, “Finally, the government understands that it’s not about how much you know—it’s about how much you feel. The 20% pass rate empowers students to explore their emotions, rather than waste time on silly things like science and history.”

But that’s not all! In a stroke of pure genius, the DBE has also proposed that school uniforms be replaced with pajama sets, and that recess be extended to 4 hours—because, after all, who needs math class when you can practice mindfulness by scrolling through Twitter? A well-rested mind, the DBE assures us, is the key to the country’s future prosperity.

As for the long-term impact of the BELA Bill? Well, with a projected pass rate of 120%—since, let’s face it, everyone will pass—the future has never looked brighter. South Africa will soon be teeming with graduates who, thanks to the DBE’s progressive policies, can count to ten (on a good day), spell their own names (sometimes), and boast a comprehensive knowledge of Netflix’s entire catalog.

In closing, President Cyril Ramaphosa is expected to sign the bill into law in the coming days. Insiders say he’s particularly excited about the potential for a new generation of leaders who, thanks to their 20% academic triumphs, will have plenty of time to focus on what really matters: keeping their Snapchat streaks alive and curating the perfect selfie angle.