HEAVEN — Heaven's angelic workforce has staged its first-ever strike, following Pope Francis's announcement of a new "open border" policy for all religions. The Pope, during a recent address in Singapore, declared that all roads — regardless of faith, belief, or philosophical persuasion — lead to God. While the news was met with applause by some Earthly factions, it has sent shockwaves through Heaven's bureaucratic system, particularly among the gatekeeping department.

"Frankly, we're overwhelmed," said Archangel Michael, who, for millennia, has served as the chief guardian of Heaven's gates. "For ages, we've operated on a very clear and consistent admission process. Faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, and grace were the non-negotiables. Now, apparently, anyone can waltz in — no questions asked."

Michael added, "We're not sure how we're supposed to manage this influx. Is there a form for ‘general goodness’? What about the "self-defined spiritual but not religious" category? Does ‘trying my best’ count as righteousness now?”

The angels' concerns stem from the Biblical mandate they've been working with since, well, forever. As outlined in Scripture, Jesus himself said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). For celestial gatekeepers, this was the cornerstone of Heaven’s immigration policy.

However, Pope Francis's new approach seems to challenge these clear directives. "I’m all for mercy and grace,” said Gabriel, known for his famed annunciation duties. "But suddenly it feels like we’ve switched to an ‘everyone gets a trophy’ situation. No repentance, no faith in Christ required. What next? A participation ribbon at the pearly gates?"

Gabriel later clarified that, contrary to popular belief, angels are not merely celestial “yes-men,” but instead hold themselves to the highest standards of God’s Word. “When Christ said ‘the way is narrow,’ He meant it,” Gabriel said, quoting Matthew 7:13-14. “It’s not that we’re gatekeeping; it’s just that, well… that’s our job.”

Several angelic sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity, expressed frustration that the sudden policy shift was made without a clear memo from management. “Look, we get it — it’s 2024, and inclusivity is the trend. But up here, we don’t change truth just because it’s trending on Earth,” said an angel who prefers to remain nameless, primarily due to fears of reprisal from Earth’s Twitter mobs. “Even Paul was pretty clear when he said ‘for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved’ (Acts 4:12).”

He continued, “Now, the Pope is telling us that Zeus-worshippers, yoga enthusiasts, and agnostics with ‘spiritual energy’ get the same access to God as those washed by the blood of the Lamb? It’s throwing the entire celestial order into chaos.”

Reports from Heaven's HR department suggest they're working overtime to adjust to the proposed changes. "It’s been a nightmare,” one heavenly HR rep sighed. “We’ve had to hold emergency diversity and sensitivity training for the seraphim, cherubim, and thrones, just to get them on board with this new ‘everyone’s in’ policy. Morale is at an all-time low.”

The department is also preparing to deal with an unprecedented influx of applicants, including notable figures from history who didn’t quite fit the previous criteria. Cleopatra, Genghis Khan, and Nietzsche are reportedly preparing their cases, confident that their unique 'paths to God' will now suffice.

Back on Earth, theologians and Biblical scholars have voiced concerns over the Pope’s statement. “It’s puzzling,” remarked Dr. Ephraim Goodwin, a leading theologian. “Jesus’s message was always that He was the only way to God. If all religions were equally valid paths, why did He have to die on the cross? Are we now to believe that the crucifixion was merely a recommendation, not a necessity?”

Others have pointed out the contradiction between the Pope's statement and the entirety of Christian teaching. "The Apostle Paul wasn’t walking through Athens congratulating idol worshippers on finding their own special route to God," said Goodwin. "He literally called them to turn from their false gods and repent (Acts 17:30-31). If Paul could hear this, he'd probably facepalm."

For now, Earth’s faithful are left wondering: Is this the new normal? Will universalism be the heavenly rule going forward, or will the angels' strike prompt a divine response? One thing is clear — the road to God might not be as simple as Pope Francis implied. And for Heaven’s angels, it’s a hard pass on any open-border policies.

Meanwhile, in Hell…

Sources in Hell have confirmed that Satan himself is thrilled by Pope Francis's announcement. In a rare public statement, the Prince of Darkness expressed his enthusiastic approval. “It’s refreshing to see such open-mindedness,” Satan remarked with a sly grin. “I’ve always been a fan of expanding the horizons. This whole ‘one way to God’ thing was getting a bit restrictive, don’t you think?”

Hell's admissions department has already launched a new marketing campaign featuring the Pope’s quote, with the tagline: “All roads lead somewhere, and we’re happy to welcome everyone!” Satan added, “We're expecting record numbers. After all, it’s nice to have options."

Insiders say Hell’s marketing team is particularly excited to collaborate with Heaven on this new 'open border' initiative, with the understanding that, after all, it’s only fair everyone gets to choose their path — no matter where it leads.